Supporting Others

Whether you’re a friend, parent, partner, faculty, or staff, offering support to someone impacted by sexual violence, relationship violence, or stalking may be one of the hardest and most impactful things you’ll ever do. While it's important to know that you are never responsible for the mental, emotional, or physical health of a person who has experienced sexual violence or has been accused of engaging in sexual misconduct, often the most valuable  advice comes from a person that they know and trust. During this difficult time, UConn is committed to supporting you too. Below you can find information and resources at UConn to best support others and yourself.

Select the role that best describes you below to learn about how to support individuals impacted by sexual misconduct:

As a Friend

If your friend is the victim of sexual assault, relationship violence, stalking or sexual harassment, you probably want nothing more than to help them. Keep in mind there’s no instruction manual for helping a victim. Everyone is different. There’s no right or wrong reaction to trauma. Your friend might completely shut down or go out of their way to seem “normal” – like nothing happened. But even in the midst of feeling sad, angry, uncomfortable, scared, confused or powerless, there are safe, healthy ways to support your friend and yourself during this difficult time.

Believe

It takes courage for your friend to speak up. The single most important thing you can do to support your friend is to tell them that you believe them and are there for them. Your friend is vulnerable, and your reaction can influence whether or not they choose to share information with others, including the police or mental and physical health counseling services. Stay calm and non-judgmental. Tell your friend you believe them and want to support them however you can.

Listen

Listen actively and without judgment. As a friend, your job is to listen, not investigate or question their account. Avoid asking questions or digging for details. It’s best to allow your friend to control what information they share. It might be difficult but try to just listen.

Assure

It takes courage for your friend to speak up. The single most important thing you can do to support your friend is to tell them that you believe them and are there for them. Your friend is vulnerable, and your reaction can influence whether or not they choose to share information with others, including the police or mental and physical health counseling services. Stay calm and non-judgmental. Tell your friend you believe them and want to support them however you can.

Maintain Privacy

Unless they give you permission to share or you’re contacted as a witness in an investigation, maintaining your friend’s privacy can be one of the most helpful things you can do for them. This includes not sharing what happened with mutual friends or on social media.

Let Your Friend Take the Lead

It’s completely natural to want to fix things. That’s probably what makes you a good friend. But know that dealing with and recovery from sexual assault or relationship violence is not fast and not in your control. A great step for you to take would be to offer information about support services at UConn, but the decision to get additional help is up to your friend. If your friend is anxious or scared to seek help from outside sources – even those you know could help – offer to go with them as their support system.

While maintaining your friend’s privacy is very important, if your friend will not seek support and you are very worried about their wellbeing, reach out yourself to one of the support services at UConn, who will be able to talk with you more about the situation and offer suggestions.

Support Yourself

You matter too. Supporting a friend who is dealing with trauma can be time-consuming and emotionally draining. Remember that you cannot effectively support your friend unless you take care of your own emotional, physical and mental health. Most of the resources available to your friend are available to you too.

Learn about how to help your friend at UConn.

As a Partner

A partner is often the most important person in your life. If your partner is the victim of sexual assault, you might be overwhelmed with conflicting emotions and questions. Was this my fault? Could I have prevented it? How do I make this go away? Will our community judge us if we seek outside help? Did my partner somehow cause it? Will we ever enjoy physical intimacy again? How can I get revenge? How can I take away their pain? This is too much for me to handle…

Know that nothing you’re feeling or questioning is wrong or unnatural in the wake of this kind of crisis. And although difficult, acknowledging and addressing you and your partner’s feelings together can help prevent further distress in a traumatic situation.

Rape is an act of violence that uses sex to dominate and humiliate the victim. Rape is not an act of sexual motivation or gratification. Because rape involves the same body parts as consensual sex, some people wrongly confuse rape with making love. Victims of rape and sexual assault do not want, provoke, or enjoy what happened to them. On the contrary, rape and sexual assault leaves the victim violated, humiliated and deeply distressed. Understanding the difference between rape and sexual assault versus consensual sex is a critical way you can support your partner.

Stalking is another serious offense and one that can even be dangerous for a victim’s partner. Plain and simple, stalking is unwanted pursuit. And it’s a crime in Connecticut and a violation of University Policies. As a partner of someone being stalked, it’s important to keep the whereabouts of the victim private. It’s also important to be on alert yourself, as you too can become a target. And it can be helpful to encourage the victim to report stalking to the police, so appropriate action can be taken.

As much as you may wish you could take away your partner’s pain, often there is not much you can do other than be patient and compassionate. Victims of rape and sexual assault may take months or years to recover. These guidelines can help:

  • Educate yourself about sexual assault and the healing process.
  • Face what happened. Don’t try to smooth things over or “make it all better.”
  • Listen to your partner actively and without judgment.
  • Ask your partner what they want and need and let them decide how to proceed after an assault.
  • Validate your partner’s feelings.
  • Recognize and express your own feelings about the assault to your partner.
  • Encourage your partner to identify and utilize available resources.
  • Don’t lose yourself. Most of the resources available to your partner are available to you too.

Learn about how to offer healthy support to your partner, spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend.

As a UConn Faculty or Staff Member

In no event should the victim be told that your conversation will be confidential.

As a UConn employee, you have an obligation under the Policy Against Discrimination, Harassment, and Related Interpersonal Violence to advise the Office of Institutional Equity if you witness or receive a report of a sex-based discrimination, including sexual assault, intimate partner violence or stalking. Please familiarize yourself with the Policy regarding this duty and to determine if you fall within the narrow exceptions to this policy (such as medical doctors, nurses and licensed health care clinicians). The FAQ provides further explanation of this policy.

For additional information, please review the Responsible Employee Obligations & Reporting page and the flyers on the Printable Resources page.

As a faculty or staff member who sees your students regularly, you are in a unique position to detect behavioral changes, increased stress levels or academic deterioration that can signal a serious problem. Students value faculty and staff opinions. You are not expected to take on the role of counselor, but don’t underestimate your ability to share helpful information with your students about the resources available at UConn, especially if a student approaches you for help.

Indicators

Academic

  • Deterioration in quality of work and classroom performance.
  • Drop in grades.
  • Repeated requests for extensions.
  • Missed assignments.
  • Repeated absences.
  • Disorganized or erratic performances.
  • Creative work or writing with themes of extreme hopelessness, isolation, rage, fear or despair.

Communication

  • Direct statements about distress because of problems with family, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend.
  • Unprovoked anger or hostility.
  • Exaggerated or uncharacteristic personality traits, i.e., suddenly withdrawn or more animated than usual.
  • Excessive dependency.
  • Tearfulness.
  • Expressing hopelessness, fear, worthlessness.
  • Classmates expressing concern about student.

Physical

  • Deterioration in physical appearance.
  • Lack of personal hygiene.
  • Excessive fatigue.
  • Visible weight changes.

Safety Risk

  • Any written or verbal statement with a suicidal tone or sense of finality.
  • Writing that focuses on despair, suicide, violent behavior or death.
  • Statements about going away for a long time.
  • Giving away valuable possessions.
  • Self-injury or self-destructive behavior, including abusing drugs or alcohol.

UConn employees are obligated to report disclosures of sex-based discrimination, including sexual violence, to the Office of Institutional Equity.

As a Parent or Guardian

As a parent or guardian, learning that your child was the victim of sexual violence, relationship violence or stalking can be incredibly overwhelming. Feeling rage, helplessness, guilt, anguish, fear and anxiety is natural. You might feel the urge to hurry up and “fix” things even when you know that’s probably not possible. Here are some guidelines to help you support your student’s recovery.

Believe

Speaking out is often very difficult for a victim. Your reaction can strongly influence whether or not they choose to share information with others, including the police, the university or mental and physical health counseling services. If your student shares their story with you, tell them you believe them and want to support them in any way you can.

Listen

It might feel like a role-reversal, but in this situation, as a parent, your job is to listen actively and non-judgmentally. Let your student control what and how much information they want to share with you. Digging for every detail can overwhelm or alienate them. Tell them you are there to listen and support them.

Assure

Self-blame and self-doubt are common reactions of victims of sexual violence, relationship violence and stalking. Assure and reassure them that what happened was not their fault.

Accept

Accept that your student might not have come to you before their friends, professors, university administration, counselors, or others. Don’t put them on the defense. What matters is that they came to you now. Now is the time to support them and help them heal.

Allow

Allow your student to decide the next steps. There is no way to undo the past. Victim -survivors of sexual violence, relationship violence and stalking need to maintain the ability to control the next steps and their personal healing process. Where possible, offer guidance and information about available resources and additional support, but let them choose.

Control Your Emotions

It is natural to grieve with your student but try to control your emotions when talking about what happened. It’s hard for a student to see their parent struggle or lose emotional control, and they might feel guilt or shame for sharing their situation with you.

Support Yourself

Seek out support for yourself. Neglecting your own emotional, mental and physical health to take care of your student will make it more difficult for you to support your student. Many of the resources available to your student are available to you too. ♥

Learn about how you can support your student.

Supporting a Respondent

If someone (the respondent) confides in you that they’ve been accused of sexual violence, relationship violence, or stalking, knowing what to do next can be hard. Feeling emotionally conflicted and confused about how to respond is natural. If someone accused turns to you for help, know that listening and referring them to support resources is an important way to show support.

Listen

Listen actively and without judgment. Listening isn’t condoning what may or may not have happened. You don’t need to take sides or even express your opinion at all. Just listen.

Suggest On-Campus Resources

Encourage your friend to consult with UConn professionals on campus available to help any student or employee accused of sexual assault.

Get Educated

Getting educated about sexual assault, relationship violence and stalking can help you sort out your own feelings as well as better support your friend.

Support Yourself

Remember that you cannot effectively support anyone unless you take care of your own emotional, physical and mental health. Supporting someone who is dealing with sexual assault allegations can be confusing and emotionally draining. Most of the resources available to your friend are available to you too.

Learn about what to do when someone accused of sexual assault or relationship violence confides in you.

Questions?

Dean of Students Office
The Dean of Students Office is available to offer support to all students.
Office hours 8:00am – 5:00pm, Monday – Friday
Wilbur Cross Building, Rm. 203
Phone: 860-486-3426
Email: dos@uconn.edu

Office of Institutional Equity
Office hours 8:00am – 5:00pm, Monday – Friday
Wood Hall, First Floor
Phone: 860-486-2943
Email: equity@uconn.edu